The · Church · of · the · Gospel · of · Disco · Jesus

Hopefully one of my many librarian friends may be able to help.

When I was a child, I remember reading a fairy tale about a young farm lad who had three magic dogs. That's all I remember about said tale, other than that one of the dogs was named Fetch-Me-Food (if you turned him loose, he would return with a full meal from Disco-Jesus-knows-where).

Is there anyone who recalls such a fairy tale, or who can offer any advice for finding it?

First, the literary -- part one: You may recall an earlier post where I asked for bad movies that happened to be the last role for some actor or actress. Many of you thought this was a bit too narrow a scope. I have decided instead to make that a single chapter in a larger book, reviewing movies, both good and bad, that were someone's last role. So give me your favorite "last roles." My own personal favorite -- Paul Newman in Cars.

Part two: If you had to choose one of the following novels to read, would it be (a) the memoirs of the tenant in 221C Baker Street; or (b) an account of a meeting between Sherlock Holmes and Bertie Wooster?

Now, the musical -- I'm brainstorming a new short film that will look like a record commercial. Without giving away too much, I need songs that contain the lyric "aaaaaaaaaaah," preferably at the end of a phrase. For example, Minnie Riperton's "Loving You." -- "doot-n-doot doo doo, aaaaaaaaaaaaah."

It's either famine or feast, it seems.

I needed 39 gnomes for the Mrs.'s video. I lost count at 60.

So, no more gnomes please. That ship has sailed.

I have gotten more efficient, in that I can prepare a gnome from scratch in about six or seven minutes, although I am waiting until all gnomes are in place before getting the kicks arranged. The tough time is finding a length of uninterrupted time to accomplish it all.

I'm about halfway there, and I think I will compile what I have and post a working project this weekend.

May I invite your attention to this post? I plan to follow this more closely this year and from now on.

And also check out this article about how much a "serving size" has increased. I want to get a bunch of new smaller plates.

Since everyone is doing it, I will too:

1. Complete the insulation of the attic and put thick plywood over it -- presto instant storage space!

2. Make regular contributions to my IRA and Kate's 529.

3. Cut back on discretionary spending. I have enough toys.

4. More frequent workouts with weights, and more frequent running. Buy a heavy bag and use it often.

Little ears alert: there are no actual dirty words per se in this clip, but the correct term for certain female anatomy is mentioned, so be careful unless you want the little tape-recorders spouting off the word "vagina" in church.



Why am I posting this? Because a few weeks ago we saw this clip on The Soup, one of our favorite programs that skewers the entertainment world at every turn. This clip is from Scream Queens, a reality show trying to find the next big B-movie actress. We just hopped on the giggle train at the way the actress says, "Va-GINA!" and the hokey dialogue she came up with. We have now incorporated this into our own everyday conversation: "Could you please pass the salt? And by salt, I mean va-GINA!"

I took the famous footage from the Charlie Brown Christmas special, removed the sound, and added my own dialogue, with different verses from the Bible, and voila:



Two quick points -- first, I just uploaded it a moment ago, and before it had even processed another user had claimed copyright on the visuals, and I can hardly deny the violation, so I have no recourse. Fortunately, this user's policy is to allow the content, so it won't be taken down. But damn, not even one second between posting and having a watchdog at my throat.

Second, I had to copy and paste parts of the visuals in order to get the proper length to fit the dialogue, and for the most part the mouths sync up pretty well with the dialogue. But at some points, Linus seems just a little too happy describing the impending apocalypse.

And a bonus quick point -- at some point I need to come up with a movie-making icon.

First, take a look at this post from one of my favorite blogs.

After reading it, I have started discovering the benefits of the classic wet shave. I remembered that many years ago, some dear friends had given me a shaving mug and shaving soap as a gift, along with a brush (the razor, alas, was not a classic safety razor, but used cartridge replacements). I had used this stuff on special occasions, like before Easter or Christmas church services and similar, since I didn't want to "waste" it on daily use. But now I started using it daily.

The change has been remarkable. Although I still use cartridge razors for the time being, pretty much all signs of razor irritation on my chin and jawline have disappeared, simply by changing from shaving cream in a can to proper shaving soap applied with a brush.

So next step will be getting a proper safety razor, and possibly upgrading the brush to one with badger bristles. And trying out soaps with different manly smells.

'Nuff said.

I've had this one done for a short while now, but I misplaced my microphone so I could not add the necessary narration.

Last night one of the Mrs.'s coworkers, who is expecting, came by to pick up all of our leftover baby furniture and toys that Peapod has outgrown. In the course of clearing it all out, I found the microphone, so I recorded the narration, and voila!



I occurs to me as well, that with my new mad animation skillz, I can start making animated films like Terry Gilliam's Monty Python bits. Stay tuned.

Still playing with my animation program -- this time, overlaying animation over live action. What better way to bend reality than to operate an actual Green Lantern power ring?

This time of year, I love holiday music. I want to hear it when I'm driving, I want to hear it when I'm home, you get the idea.
I found a local radio station that advertises non-stop holiday music, and by Disco Jesus they deliver. Provided, that is, that you believe with all your heart that there are only six Christmas songs currently in existence.
Houston readers, try this experiment. At any random time between now and Christmas morning, tune in to Sunny 99.1. I guarantee that within sixty minutes, you will hear at least two of the following three songs: Andy Williams singing "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year," Josh Groban singing "O Holy Night," or an all-instrumental rendition of "Sleigh Ride" ("Just hear those sleigh bells ringaling, ring-ting-tingaling too . . .").
Those in other cities, you can listen live at www.sunny99.com.

I swear, a steady diet of the same songs can really sour the whole experience. The Mrs. says she used to love "O Holy Night," but now can't stand it.

Thank Disco Jesus, we still have the Vince Garibaldi Trio on our Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack. That never gets old.

All right, lissen up!
The Mrs. had a simple wish for her birthday -- 38 gnomes. She got six.
Pathetic.
So we are going to change that, and you're gonna help.
Here's two of the gnomes she got, doing a little dance:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I1bAZ0i_xk

You will notice they move in perfect precision. My animation is good like that. A corollary is that I can add as many gnomes as I want. So if anyone wants to rectify the appalling lack of gnomes around here, email me a photo of yourself with a good headshot, and I will add you to the chorus line. And drop a comment to let me know you're in.

My first really funny story from the Ike-time (the only funny thing previous was when the dog didn't realize I had closed the storm door, and ran head-first into it; then she looked at me with the most hilarious quizzical look I have ever seen on her beautiful mug):

The scene -- the yard of the church where Peapod has her daycare. We were volunteering to help pick up debris, and I was on tree-removal duty.

The cast -- me; a contractor hired to cut down trees and cut up the wood, with a heavy Texas drawl and a mouthful of tobacco; and another member of the church, with an equally heavy Scottish burr.


Tree Guy: "Cn yer tel m whar bafrumiz?"
Church Guy: "Eh?"
Me: "He wants to know where the bathroom is."
Church Guy: "Oh, thet's aisy; goo whar ye et the doonuts and it's jest oof to the ret."
Tree Guy: "Whuh?"
Me: "If you go to the place where they are serving the donuts, the bathroom is just off to the right."


Tree Guy trots off, and Church Guy and I start laughing, especially when I follow up with, "I bet both of you are saying, 'you know, I'm pretty sure he's not using real words.'"

I am amazed at how much progress Kate makes every day, and I can't stop bragging on her.

I think she has a working vocabulary of about a dozen words or so. And she understands what the words mean. Just watch this:

(Oh yeah -- you'll see the grand unveiling of the new Reel Cheap Films splash as well.)

One week of Annual Training done -- one week to go. Naturally, my hosts let all and sundry know (through the base newspaper) that a will and estate expert was going to be on board, so in the past week I have had eight wills. So it's just like being at home.

Here's a link to the video montage of Peapod I promised oh so long ago. I had some free time to assemble it. Two caveats -- first, YouTube took like forever to try and upload my first file, and I finally had to resort to shrinking it, so the quality is not as good as it should be. Second, you may notice the utter disregard for copyright laws in the music, so I'm only keeping it on YouTube for a few days before voluntarily removing it.

I have a slew of videos of the Peapod's developmental milestones, including this whole walking thing she's getting into. I need to convert them and upload them, but they will be ready for viewing soon.

Peapod is at that age where she can be expected to entertain herself for at least short periods of time, which means Daddy is free to devote his attention to other matters such as housework with only an ear cocked.

When the Mrs. has to work on Saturdays, then there can be a little extra fun too -- if the weather is nice we go for a walk in the park in the mornings, and then play or nap at home. Lunch is usually the stuff Mom can't stand, like Popeye's fried chicken or Chinese buffet. It's a chore to make these foods as healthy as possible under the circumstances -- no chicken skin, make the mashed potatoes as gravy-less as possible, be sure to load veggies onto the plate, etc. -- but I figure as long as it doesn't become a daily habit, once a week isn't so bad. (If anyone has an opinion to the contrary, kindly write it out on a sheet of two-ply toilet paper and mail it to me, and I will see it gets the consideration it deserves.) Followed of course by the post-lunch draining of the milk bottle.

Afternoons are more playing, and walking practice, and another walk around the neighborhood with the dog in tow. If we're lucky, another nap will follow. If we're unlucky, then it can be a long afternoon until 5:15 when it's time to load Peapod into the car to go pick up Mom. But once she's in the car she's out before we get to the first streetlight.

When Mom has to work at night, the routine changes just a bit -- Dad gets to bathe Peapod and brush her teeth. The only real downside is that bundling her into a car to pick Mom up at 9:00 means she just might catch a second wind around 10:00, which leads to late nights all around.

The best way to tell if there's a recession? I say simple -- look at people's vices. If money's so tight you can afford to indulge your vice, then you are truly hurting.

Case in Point #1 -- Texas has a state lottery, and the jackpot goes up until someone wins. It used to be the jackpot amount would rise in a more or less predictable pattern: $4 million to $6 million to $9 million to $12 million to $15 million, then off in a more or less exponential manner.

Since December, however, the jackpot has been hovering under $10 million for weeks at a time, meaning fewer and fewer people are buying tickets. Thus, even the idiots are unable to pay the idiot tax.

Case in Point #2 -- We heard a story on NPR a few days ago about a few of the legal brothels in Nevada, offering 2-for-1 services if you spend your government stimulus check. That prompted the Mrs. to opine, "how hard up do you have to be to go to a hooker with a coupon?" I followed up with a quick impression -- "I will have the Cleveland Steamer and a rimjob . . ." and we finished in unison -- ". . . and my friend will have something of equal or lesser value."

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a personal nature.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions.

( Here are my questions from shemumbles: )